I needed this today . . .

Yesterday, this whole election really, was brutal.

My candidate did not win.

The winners have made walking back protections on families like mine

part of their campaign promises,

and given the VP Elect's record in Indiana I have to believe that

they will work to accomplish those promises.

So today, I needed a reminder that those communities

(Women, LGBT+, People of Color, Muslims,

Latinos, the Disabled, the Media, etc.)

that the President Elect has spent the last 18 months

ridiculing and denigrating have pulled together before.

And we will do it again.

The movement is hurting and tired,

but our momentum to make the world kinder, more inclusive

and less fearful has not been lost.

My daughters were watching this today,

and I realized just how much I needed to see a diverse group

(even one as nonsensical as multi color anthro ponies)

support one another, lift each other up and rally together to make things better.

We are stronger together.

We will make it through this.

We will protect each other.

We will not let our momentum falter.

And until then . . .

We have singing anthro ponies.

Unicorn

The woman I love is sleeping. I should be, too.

But this post has been rattling around inside my head 
for such a long time. I have to let it out.

It has been two and a half years since Hunny came out to me and we started on the journey of her transition. It has been beautiful, isolating, freeing, difficult, transformative, terrifying, joyful, bleak, nerve wracking.

And it has been so very worth it.

Some friends have been left behind, not because we didn’t want or need them, but because the changes were too dramatic for their comfort. We have made new friends within the community, helping us to rebuild what others had ripped away. Hunny has found a new community, others who have gone through what she has; those who have shared her struggle.

I have not found the same welcome. 

And I do not ask or presume membership, 

the dues are far too costly and the jacket wouldn’t fit anyway.

I understand many of the reasons why I am held at a distance.

 I am, at once, a representation of the spouse who stayed, and a reminder of the ones who didn’t. By staying with Hunny, by supporting and encouraging her transition, by loving her through everything . . .

I am salt poured into the wounds of those whose 

partners didn’t, or couldn’t.

Conversely, I have had members of the community look at me with such heartbreakingly forlorn hope in their eyes. Eyes that want the kind of love, the kind of life that Hunny and I have together but have already given up hope of ever finding it for themselves.

Eyes that have become resigned to loss and loneliness as the exchange they must make to live authentic lives.

At those times I often feel like an exotic animal on display, 

to be admired from a safe distance. 

To be seen and appreciated but too dangerous to get close to.

The world is often unkind to those who break the mold, and I don’t blame those who have been hurt, who have had to give up everything, for the sadness and anger that they feel when I am around.

Like I said, I do understand.

I still stand with you.

I promise not to bite any fingers that reach into the enclosure.

Because I can . . .

 

 

 

The Doctor did it!

 

 

 

He saved us!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Where We are Now

Loving my Wife

Since my husband came out to me as transgender

things have changed in our home.

We spend more time getting ready (she’s very feminine and loves her makeup and accessories) and shopping (much to Elroy and Bam-Bam’s dismay).

We talk more (she often states how much closer she feels we have become, how much stronger our relationship is now than before).

We spend at least a part of every night cuddled in each others’ arms. This has been one of my favorite new rituals. I hadn’t realized how much

I missed that contact and connection until we had it back.

She helps more around the house. It sounds strange but before she began her transition she might make dinner a couple times a month, or do a load of dishes or laundry about as often. Now, she cooks at least a couple times a week and does laundry or dishes when she sees it needs doing. She spends more time actually parenting our children, and more time playing with them. I didn’t realize how deeply the gender bias had become ingrained in our daily lives

until she gave hers up.

I feel more appreciated and more wanted now than ever before. I had gotten used to talking to myself and to not being heard. Now she tells me at least once a day how much having me in her life has made it better.

She listens when I talk and values my thoughts and opinions.

I occasionally still worry that she is using me as a template for her womanhood.

(When she read this she said ‘not template, stepstool.’ Thanks my love.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered. But her likes and preferences line up so closely to my own that I was afraid her voice would get lost in trying to become who she is meant to be. Then she says or picks out something I just can’t agree with

and I laugh at my narcissism.

She has found a family in others who are transitioning as well.

People whose stories are varied but the moral is the same.

Being who you are is worth the cost.

I’ve also found a community. Through blogs and support groups I’ve found that I’m not alone in being willing and able to love the person I married through this change. People who share my belief that the equipment is not as important as the mind and soul within it. That it’s possible to come out the other side

 together, in love and happy.

It is still early yet in this process. She’s still on initial doses of hormones (hopefully that will increase this month) but the changes emotional and physical have been both subtle and life changing. Her body is changing. She has saddle bags that make her smile every time she sees them. She even has boobs now. Her face is fuller and softer. She has been undergoing electrolysis and is seeing some real results.

She’s even had men check her out in public . . . .

As for the future . . . my tarot cards can’t answer that question. We‘re working on getting her name changed, and the other legal stuff we need to cover our bases. I hope that we’ll be celebrating her surgery next summer (and that our insurance will cover it so we don’t have to shoulder that much extra debt). I’m looking forward to renewing our vows in a couple of years (this time she’ll get to be the bride too), although it looks like it will cost at least as much

for our dresses as our first wedding did all together.

But the most important part, the part that makes her transition feel right, is simple.

I love my Wife.

And the World Turns . . .

Today is my 30th birthday.

In the 3 decades I've been on this planet I may not have changed the world, become famous, or become who I thought I'd grow up to be . . .

When I was in elementary school I dreamed of being a biochemist, of creating animals that didn't exist and designing a car that would run on smog.

Instead I have become a mother. I created children whom I hope will grow uo to be good people.

When I was in high school I wanted to become a veterinarian and work with horses.

Now I tend to bruises and scrapes, remove stitches and heal hurts with band-aids, perxoide, and a loving touch.

When I was in college I wanted to own a ranch and train horses.

Everyday I wrangle wild children and teach them to work together, to follow directions, to do their share, and hope to do so without breaking their spirit.

And I have accomplished so much more than I ever dreamed possible.
I have stood on the field inside the RCA Dome and preformed in front of tens of thousands from all over the country.
I have gotten back on the horse after nearly being thrown.

I have rafted the white water on the Kern River and smiled as we bounced off the rocks.

I swam in pools heated by hot springs and being fed on my mosquitoes the size of bison.

I helped clean the burns of a child who'd fallen into a fire pit, who's mother rode the bus to school with me.

I carried triplets who should not have survived, and learned that having them saved my life.

I kept my head when my child stopped breathing, and brought her back from the brink.

I have stretched pennies into dollars, kept the wheels turning and made sure we got by.

I have worked for a salary, worked to save money, and worked to keep it all together.

I have a wonderful husband beside me who works incredibly hard for us, for our family. He was my first love, my first kiss, and so many other firsts . . . my light in the darkness and my only love.
I have 5 beautiful children, 2 boys and 3 girls who teach me everyday. Who are my hope for the future. Who challenge me daily to be better, to show them how. Who changed how I view the world.
I have friends who have supported me in times of weakness and who have leaned on my strength when theirs ran out. We have laughed until we cried, loved even though distance made it hurt, cried on each other's shoulders when life pushed us down and pulled each other back up when it seemed we couldn't get back on our feet.
My friends, my sisters and brothers . . . I love you.
Thank you, my world would be a colder place without you.

Tonight I'm going out with my husband. We'll get some food, see a movie, spend a few precious moments together. To just BE with one another.

And that's all I really want for my birthday.

- Vixi



(P.S. Jewelry Giveaway is now closed. Any comments after 9pm pacific time will not be entered. Winner will be announced on Friday Jan. 13th.)