Because I can . . .

 

 

 

The Doctor did it!

 

 

 

He saved us!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry, I couldn't help it.

Thoughts on Coming Out

A spouse’s perspective

 

At the end of March my world changed.

Two words turned my life upside down and set me spinning.

 

 “I’m transgendered.”

 

There was so much heartache in those words,

 so much fear and longing.

Pain at the thought of such a complete rejection.

 A voice teetering on the edge of losing everything.

 

In that moment I had two clear choices:

I could run screaming and

break the fragile heart opening up to me.

Or I could see this as exploring a new aspect

of the person I’ve loved for so long and accept.

 

With either choice my life would change.  

 

A choice between fear and love.

Not everyone would agree with my choice,

but for me, in that moment, the choice was clear.

 

Love won.

 

It was the easiest choice I’ve ever had to make.

 

Love won.

 

In the months since she came out to me,

 we have weathered stresses and storms,

sick children and family who can’t understand.

We have disagreed, worried,

 broken down and held each other up.

We have answered questions, made new friends

and been hurt by those who can’t

come to terms with the changes.

 

We are closer now than we have ever been,

kissing like we did in high school, constantly in contact.

More supportive of each others’ needs,

 more forgiving of their faults.

 

I am so proud of her, proud and honored to be with her,

to take this journey hand in hand.

 

Two words can change the world.

 

Love won.  

A Quick Thank You

Families like mine in Maine, Maryland, Washington and Minnesota

have new protections and rights.

 

Parents can rest easier knowing that their children

won’t be taken from their partners if tragedy strikes.

 

Partners won’t have to fight to see each other in the hospital

 if sick or injured. Can’t be denied health care or life insurance payments

because of who they love.

 

That our country can see that
the LGBTQ community is made up of people.

 

That who you love isn’t the only important thing about you. That it shouldn’t preclude anyone from being treated with equality and respect.

 

To the voters in Maine, Maryland and Washington: Thank you.

Thank you for accepting and including a community
that has been so often denigrated and overlooked.

Thank you for supporting everyone’s right
to marry the person they love, regardless of gender.

 

To the voters in Minnesota: Thank you.

Thank you for standing up for the rights of
your friends, family members, neighbors . . .
For not allowing bullies to use the law
to justify harassment and discrimination.

Thank you for taking the first step toward equality.  

 

Together we are powerful. We can change the world.

 

 And yesterday, in those four states, we did.

All Hallows Eve

Halloween at my house . . .

When I was pregnant with Elroy my due date was Halloween. I was thrilled but since he decided to come just a bit early, I spent the evening tending a newborn and the candy bucket at the door.

The following year we decided to have a 1^st birthday (the ‘see everybody, we all survived the first year’) party.

Easy enough.

Everyone came in costume, broke a piñata full of Halloween candy, and had a grand old time. And while I was prepping for the party I made a decision that has affected how we do things ever since.

 I decided to get pictures of Elroy done in his costume to include with the invitations. 

The pictures came out so cute, and the response I got from everyone was so overwhelming, that the following year I decided to do costumed pictures again, even without the party.

And we’ve done so ever since.

Each kid gets the choice once they start school to do an ‘in costume’ birthday picture or a school picture. We haven’t purchased school pictures yet.

About a month before each birthday I either take the birthday kid to a same day photo place in our mall, or having Granddaddy come to the house and take the pictures (since my dad is an amateur shutter bug, with an eye to potentially making it a real job in the future). Since Bam-Bam’s birthday is earlier in the summer (and less than a month into the school year), and the girls birthday is just after Valentine’s day, I have to be more organized (and creative) with the kids’ costumes.

This year I thought I’d share what my brood will be wearing . . .

 

Elroy

Usually I try to steer the costumes in a ‘let’s not scare your siblings’ direction, but as Elroy is in 3^rd grade (hold on, I may need a moment here), I agreed with his choice of a grim reaper.

 

The boys’ school does a costume parade for Halloween, so for that morning he will be without both his scythe and the mask.

I found the robe for $3.50 at a small thrift store, the hour glass (plain wood) for $2 at a kitchen / home imports store. The skull beads were from a pair of bracelets (2 /$1) at a 99¢ store. I made the belt from some leather laces my sister gave me, and the scythe was a plastic sword (also dollar store) a cardboard wrapping paper tube, some black duct tape and a couple of pipe braces (about $3 each) from a hardware store. The mask we already had. For safety reasons I got him the light up jars ($3 each at Target) to make him more visible after dark.

So . . . a unique reaper costume for under $30 dollars, which is the price of the basic store bought reaper costume at any local retailer.

 

 

Bam-Bam 





This year Bam-Bam threw me a curve ball. I try to reuse the boys’ costumes by dressing Bam-Bam up in the costume that Elroy wore for that age (i.e. Elroy was a pirate for his 3^rd birthday, so Bam-Bam was a pirate for his 3^rd birthday picture). This year Bam-Bam was supposed to be a musketeer. I had the tabard, the boots, the belt, I had the blue hat ready for the feather. I thought I was ahead of the game.

Less than a month to picture time Bam-Bam decides he wants to be puss in boots instead. And not just a cat in boots with a sword . . . the puss in boots from the Shrek movies. *sigh*

I couldn’t find anything to use as a cat suit. Not camel colored sweats, not leggings, not a leotard, not anything. Happily I was able to convince him to wear black dress pants and a collared shirt for his pictures, but it was a near thing.

In the nick of time (less than 2 weeks ago) my mom found a handmade faux fur cat costume at a thrift store. In the right color!  Yay Grandmommy!



The cat costume my mom found (and paid) for $8 at goodwill, the boots I bought 3 years ago (for Elroy’s musketeer costume) and this is, I think, the 4^th costume they’ve been used with. The cape was from Elroy’s centurion costume last year (and near constant dress up since), the belt was from a Narnia play set one of the boys got as a gift a few years back. The sword was part of a zorro kit (came with a black plastic mask the kids immediately broke) from the 99¢ store for (you guessed it) $1.  The only part of the costume I had to manufacture was the hat. I started with a 99¢ store black foam cowboy hat ($1), glued on some red bias tape ($1.50 ish), stuck a yellow ostrich feather ($1 at craft store) through one side and safety pinned a button (already in my craft stuff) on to cover the slits.

Puss in boots costume  . . . Grand total under $5 for the hat and sword, $13 if I include what my mom paid for the cat suit. The only retail puss in boots costume I found started at $35, and looked horrible.

 

Raspberry, Peach and Strawberry   

I shop post holiday clearance for everything, so the girls were relatively easy. I’ve actually had the main pieces of their costume in the closet for the last 2 years. All I had to do was gather up the accessories. The girls actually wear their costumes the Halloween before their birthday (in February), and again for their pictures.

Although I prefer to let the girls pick their own clothes most of the time, they have worn matching Halloween costumes so far. I do hope to have a superhero girls year in the future but haven’t been able to get the costumes on clearance yet . . . 

The dresses and hats came as a set at Costco 2 years ago, once again Grandmommy did the actual purchasing. I made the necklaces for their renaissance princess gowns last year (from buttons). The shoes I got (these are their everyday shoes) at payless over the summer. I hope to get them boots on clearance by their birthday pictures. For trick or treating I’ll put some black leggings under the dresses (for warmth), and for individual birthday pictures I plan to get a dollar store pirate sword as a prop.

Total cost : zero out of pocket for the girls this year.

 

Anybody else have a strategy for Halloween?    

Arguing With Myself: To Chick-fil-A or Not to Chick-fil-A

Facebook has been up in arms lately about the Chick-fil-A news release in which the company’s president admitted to using company profits to support anti- LGBTQ political groups.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I like Chick-fil-A. The food is good, the staff is friendly and helpful, the restaurants are clean and the play places don’t smell like pee.

I believe that the company president and everyone else involved have the right to support whatever issues they like . . . .
With their own money.
My issue is that they are using money paid by customers to do this . . . without informing them first.

Why should I care?
I care because the moment my spouse came out to me as transgender, my family became part of the group ‘the customers’ money’ is being used to try to destroy.
I am one person, not a large franchise with a legal team. I don’t want to be a landmark case to keep my family together and safe.
And to those who think I’m over-reacting . . .

My medical coverage (and that of our kids) is through my spouse. If anti-LGBTQ legislation (like these groups want) goes through, my insurance could disappear as soon as my spouse’s legal name and gender change go through.
Our 8 year marriage could be declared legally invalid. My wife could loose her parental rights . . . to our biological children.

When someone tries to remove the safeguards you have built to protect your family on the basis of not agreeing with your choices . . . and has billions of dollars and a huge political machine to do it . . .
It becomes difficult not to feel harassed and threatened.
While this may not be personal for the president of Chick-fil-A, it is for me.

My heart goes out to any LGBTQ employees at Chick-fil-A who are forced to choose between paying the bills and having equal rights.
To be put in that position by the actions of your employer . . . is horrible.

But I think I have a solution:
Companies using sales based profits for political purposes (i.e. Chick-fil-A, Target, Walmart, etc.) need to step up. Post (both on websites and in store) that a percentage of the profits goes to fund x, y, and z political groups, like they do with charities.
This way supporters know their money is going to a cause they believe in, conscientious objectors are informed before buying, and those in the middle can decide if they care enough to go elsewhere. This also gives prospective employees an idea of where they stand within the company.

In short, I want informed consent. If you are going to use the money I spend for political purposes . . . tell me so I have the option to choose where my monetary support goes.

Anyone have a better plan?
- Vixi

(P.S. – as for the “defense of the ‘biblical’ family” nonsense . . . Jon Stewart of The Daily Show said it so much better than I could. Sorry, this was the best video I could find. If anyone finds a better one please link it to me in the comments.)

http://www.thedailyshow.com/watch/mon-july-23-2012/gaywatch---holdouts-edition
Thanks Arcee for the video link.

Where We are Now

Loving my Wife

Since my husband came out to me as transgender

things have changed in our home.

We spend more time getting ready (she’s very feminine and loves her makeup and accessories) and shopping (much to Elroy and Bam-Bam’s dismay).

We talk more (she often states how much closer she feels we have become, how much stronger our relationship is now than before).

We spend at least a part of every night cuddled in each others’ arms. This has been one of my favorite new rituals. I hadn’t realized how much

I missed that contact and connection until we had it back.

She helps more around the house. It sounds strange but before she began her transition she might make dinner a couple times a month, or do a load of dishes or laundry about as often. Now, she cooks at least a couple times a week and does laundry or dishes when she sees it needs doing. She spends more time actually parenting our children, and more time playing with them. I didn’t realize how deeply the gender bias had become ingrained in our daily lives

until she gave hers up.

I feel more appreciated and more wanted now than ever before. I had gotten used to talking to myself and to not being heard. Now she tells me at least once a day how much having me in her life has made it better.

She listens when I talk and values my thoughts and opinions.

I occasionally still worry that she is using me as a template for her womanhood.

(When she read this she said ‘not template, stepstool.’ Thanks my love.)

Don’t get me wrong, I’m flattered. But her likes and preferences line up so closely to my own that I was afraid her voice would get lost in trying to become who she is meant to be. Then she says or picks out something I just can’t agree with

and I laugh at my narcissism.

She has found a family in others who are transitioning as well.

People whose stories are varied but the moral is the same.

Being who you are is worth the cost.

I’ve also found a community. Through blogs and support groups I’ve found that I’m not alone in being willing and able to love the person I married through this change. People who share my belief that the equipment is not as important as the mind and soul within it. That it’s possible to come out the other side

 together, in love and happy.

It is still early yet in this process. She’s still on initial doses of hormones (hopefully that will increase this month) but the changes emotional and physical have been both subtle and life changing. Her body is changing. She has saddle bags that make her smile every time she sees them. She even has boobs now. Her face is fuller and softer. She has been undergoing electrolysis and is seeing some real results.

She’s even had men check her out in public . . . .

As for the future . . . my tarot cards can’t answer that question. We‘re working on getting her name changed, and the other legal stuff we need to cover our bases. I hope that we’ll be celebrating her surgery next summer (and that our insurance will cover it so we don’t have to shoulder that much extra debt). I’m looking forward to renewing our vows in a couple of years (this time she’ll get to be the bride too), although it looks like it will cost at least as much

for our dresses as our first wedding did all together.

But the most important part, the part that makes her transition feel right, is simple.

I love my Wife.

Feminine Ideals

Art in the Girls’ Room

We got the second crib moved into the office / girls’ room. This is big. Now the girls are in their room full time, and my Hunny and I are alone in our room again.

As we moved furniture we discussed what to do with the art already in the room. Half the room has the usual little girl unicorns, butterflies and princesses. The other half has fantasy swords (high on the wall) and art prints. The question of what to do with the art made me rethink what each piece means to me.

3 of the 4 pictures depict some version of womanhood but not the old Disney version.

Above the printer is a poster Hunny was given called ‘Illusion Chess’

It doesn’t have much meaning for me but it’s a fun image and I really like it.

Next to the computer is ‘Ex Libris” by Michael Parkes.

I love books, so the young woman so engrossed that her nudity doesn’t matter resonates deeply.

Above one of the cribs is ‘Gargoyles” also by Michael Parkes.

 

The idea that a little girl’s whimsy is powerful enough to bring stone to life to play with her . . .

Above the changing table (used to be above a bookshelf before things were rearranged) is ‘Serra Angel’ a large version of the art from the Magic: The Gathering card by the same name. 

 Serra is fiercely beautiful. She is both protector and avenger and is beautiful in full armor. She is strength personified and I want my girls to see that women can be strong and glorious. That beauty does not have to wait to be rescued, or avenged. That it is their responsibility to defend and protect, just as it is their brothers. I want my daughters to grow up knowing they are powerful. That they can change their world.

Hunny suggested putting Serra up in the boys room, or in our room where it would fit the décor better. I think I want it to stay where it is.    

Lately I’ve spent a lot of time reading really fantastic feminist blogs. Many of these are from women who spent part of their lives in very strict religious orders and had to break free in order to live as a complete person.

Love Joy Feminism by Libby Anne, and Permission to Live by Melissa are a couple of my favorites. 

Whether my girls take away as much or any of what I see in the art in their room doesn’t matter as much as having those images of the intelligence, magic and power of the feminine for my girls (and boys) to see. And hopefully, in seeing Believe.