Wednesday, May 17

The Yellow Razor


When my wife first came out to me (literally the next day) I decided to show her that I supported her and her transition by getting her a ‘starter pack’ of girl stuff. 
I got her women’s socks, some cute panties, a hair brush, some women’s deodorant, and a new razor. 
It was the same brand and model as the one I had been happily using for the prior year, only in a feminine pink instead of the metallic blue one I was using.

Months later, when the initial ‘jersey girl/ preteen’ phase of her transition settled into something more mature, and she realized that purple was her favorite color; 
I picked up a pretty purple razor for her. 

I chose not to buy myself the shimmery yellow one that I really liked, rationalizing that because I couldn’t use the blades that came with it (do to an allergy to the moisturizer strip) that the old one I had was still good enough 
and I didn’t actually need the new one I wanted. 

When my old one did need to be replaced, I got myself the pink one that came in the cheaper set, 
adding ‘mommy guilt’ to my earlier rationalizations.

But . . . my reaction to the feminine razor had 
nothing to do with Hunny’s transition. 
She wasn’t forcing me to keep the old one. 
She didn’t pick out the pink one for me. 
Had she been at the store with me, 
she likely would have just rolled her eyes, 
grabbed the set with the yellow one and gotten it for me. 
She would have seen that my reasons for not getting something nice for myself had to do with feeling like I don’t deserve it, not the brand of moisturizing strips or the price, 
and would have simply reminded me that 
I deserve nice things too.

There’s the desire for something nice that’s your own 
(which primary caregivers tend to sublimate into ‘mommy guilt’), that you don’t have to share, 
where you can put your own needs ahead of the children and spouses who you devote yourself to.

And then comes the guilt. That voice that is every single cruel stereotype and vicious piece of condescending ‘advice’ and shred of self-doubt you’ve ever heard or thought or felt.

How dare you not put your 
family/ children/ spouse’s needs before your own!

How dare you take food from your children’s mouths 
to get that thing you want!

You don’t really need it. 
And you’re selfish if you want it.

You’re taking advantage of your spouse by wasting money 
on (for me any purchase for myself over $30).

You don’t deserve the thing you want because 
you are selfish enough to want it.

And it’s ridiculous.

My own insecurities made me choose to treat myself as less deserving and continue to talk me out of getting myself the razor I want every time I could get it at the store.



I’m still working on my own application of self-care. 
But after I wrote this I was at Target . . . 

and I got myself the yellow razor.



Monday, March 27

CODENAME: DEVIATION

Ok, so Elroy had a science paper on genetic heredity 
and for the project had to 'breed' Sesame Street Muppets and 
use Punnet squares to predict what traits the offspring would inherit. 
He decided that this felt like forced breeding and so the only ethical solution was for him to send in a team to rescue said muppets from their captivity. His science teacher was quite impressed by his backstory, and he was able to expand his story into a creative writing assignment as well. 
I told him that if he continued the original story, I would post it on my blog 
(as well as the fan site Archive of Our Own, or AO3).
So, here it is (after I did some editing for him). 

*Trigger Warning for implied non-con/ forced breeding, 
non-graphic violence, and major character death*  


CODENAME: DEVIATION


In the middle of the Atlantic Ocean, a government ‘dark-ops’ facility stood hidden from the public eye. The facility was built for the sole purpose of capturing, containing, and investigating possible threats. This included two Muppets from Sesame Street who had recently quit due to the outrageously low pay and were waiting to be released back into society. The successful mission captured Zoe and Grover in order to discover why the Muppets became sentient.


One year later

The Sesame Street Squad, or SSS for short, is comprised of former Sesame Street Muppets. Cookie Monster, Abby Cadabby, Aloysius Snuffleupagus (CODENAME: Snuffy), and Count von Count (CODENAME: The Count) made up this elite team. While on the run from the agency that had taken Grover and Zoe, these fugitives had spent the last few years looking for their friends. It had taken them an entire year of undercover recon, but they finally found the facility. After being dropped from 3000 feet above the facility, they parachuted onto the helicopter pad.

The team cautiously entered the stark white building only to be met with bodies wearing guard uniforms on the floor and blood on the walls.

“Cookie you are on lookout; Snuffy and Count find some intel on what happened here” Abby ordered.
“Yes boss” the team responded simultaneously.
“Boss! Abby, we found something . . .’ the Count and Snuffy exclaimed. 
Their ominous tone and fearful expressions drew Abby and Cookie over to see what that they had found. Snuffy and the Count were in a surveillance room with a row of screens to one side.
With a yellow folder in hand, the Count said, “I found six files. One, two, three, four, five, six. Six! Ha ha ha!” He opened them up and let the team read them silently.


CASE FILES: Sesame Breeding Facility

Experiment (CODENAME: DEVIATION) involves Subject 4H8B2 (aka: GROVER) and Subject 4H8B1 (aka: ZOE).

Subject ZOE expresses phenotype traits: exo (bulging) eyes, pink nose, red lips, orange furred body, and excessive mane-like hair growth on head.
Subject GROVER expresses phenotype traits: endo (flush) eyes, pink nose, red lips, blue furred body, and only short body hair.

Subjects have been confined for breeding.

Project DEVIATION: 
Breeding has successfully created  Subject 4H8B3 (ABIGAIL) and Subject 4H8B4 (ZIBO). Unlike the parents, both Subjects have magenta body color.
Subject ZIBO expresses phenotype traits: exo (flush) eyes, magenta furred body, pink nose, magenta lips, and excessive mane-like hair growth on head. Subject Zibo most closely resembles Subject ZOE’s body type.
Subject ABIGAIL expresses phenotype traits: endo (bulging) eyes, magenta furred body, pink nose, purple lips, and only short body hair. Subject ABIGAIL most closely resembles Subject GROVER’s body type.

Researchers were unfamiliar with many things that were discovered. A more advanced knowledge of Subjects GROVER and ZOE was gained, however further study of all Subjects is required. Additionally, some researchers found the collection and experimentation on Subjects GROVER and ZOE to be emotionally challenging. Those researchers have since been replaced.

Subjects 4H8B1(ZOE) and 4H8B2(GROVER)  are to be removed to yield more conclusive results from Subject 4H8B3( ABIGAIL) and Subject 4H8B4 (ZIBO).

Removal to be implemented at 21:35 by security staff.



“Abby . . .” Snuffy drawls and gestures to the row of screens with his trunk. 
The rest of the team crowds in.

On the first screen, Grover and Zoe are huddled together in a stark white room when the door opens and a guard in dark military fatigues points his gun at the pair. Grover slowly stands, revealing two magenta muppets. A small scared boy who looks like Zoe and a smaller, angry girl who looks like Grover are hiding in Zoe’s embrace. The guard points impatiently. Zoe, with a horrified look from the kids to Grover, shakes her head “no” and pushes the children behind her.

A second guard grabs Zoe, pulling her away. Grover shouts while reaching out, only to convulse and fall to the floor, grabbing at the shock collar around his neck. The girl stands and shouts as the first guard hits Zoe on the back of the head with the butt of his rifle and she falls to the floor, unnatutally still.


Snuffy stops the feed, gesturing to another screen.
The team moves in time to watch a guard fly and impact the wall at high speed. On the next screen, a guard drops to the ground from the ceiling. It seems like every screen is a terrifying repetition of the same violent events.
Until, on the final screen, the two magenta figures Zoe had fallen defending looked directly at the camera.

Snuffy stopped the feed.

Suddenly, the team hears giggling outside the door followed by a loud “thump”. The door opens to show two small furry figures, giggling with glee, while Cookie Monster lays un-moving in the background.
Abby draws a horrified breath, whispering “they’re supers like him.” When her vision goes black, all she can hear are the cries of her team and the same soulless giggling, this time coming from within the surveillance room.



None of the SSS team is ever seen again.