When
my wife first came out to me (literally the next day) I decided to show her
that I supported her and her transition by getting her a ‘starter pack’ of girl
stuff.
I got her women’s socks, some cute panties, a hair brush, some women’s deodorant,
and a new razor.
It was the same brand and model as the one I had been happily
using for the prior year, only in a feminine pink instead of the metallic blue
one I was using.
Months
later, when the initial ‘jersey girl/ preteen’ phase of her transition settled
into something more mature, and she realized that purple was her favorite color;
I picked up a pretty purple razor for her.
I chose not to buy myself the
shimmery yellow one that I really liked, rationalizing that because I couldn’t use
the blades that came with it (do to an allergy to the moisturizer strip) that
the old one I had was still good enough
and I didn’t actually need the new one
I wanted.
When my old one did need to be replaced, I got myself the pink one
that came in the cheaper set,
adding ‘mommy guilt’ to my earlier
rationalizations.
But
. . . my reaction to the feminine razor had
nothing to do with Hunny’s
transition.
She wasn’t forcing me to keep the old one.
She didn’t pick out the
pink one for me.
Had she been at the store with me,
she likely would have just rolled
her eyes,
grabbed the set with the yellow one and gotten it for me.
She would have
seen that my reasons for not getting something nice for myself had to do with
feeling like I don’t deserve it, not the brand of moisturizing strips or the
price,
and would have simply reminded me that
I deserve nice things too.
There’s
the desire for something nice that’s your own
(which primary caregivers tend to
sublimate into ‘mommy guilt’), that you don’t have to share,
where you can put
your own needs ahead of the children and spouses who you devote yourself to.
And
then comes the guilt. That voice that is every single cruel stereotype and
vicious piece of condescending ‘advice’ and shred of self-doubt you’ve ever
heard or thought or felt.
How
dare you not put your
family/ children/ spouse’s needs before your own!
How
dare you take food from your children’s mouths
to get that thing you want!
You
don’t really need it.
And you’re selfish if you want it.
You’re
taking advantage of your spouse by wasting money
on (for me any purchase for
myself over $30).
You
don’t deserve the thing you want because
you are selfish enough to want it.
And
it’s ridiculous.
My
own insecurities made me choose to treat myself as less deserving and continue
to talk me out of getting myself the razor I want every time I could get it at
the store.
I’m
still working on my own application of self-care.
But after I wrote this I was
at Target . . .
and I got myself the yellow razor.
